Every once in a while
by OliviaH123
Summary: A collection of Merlin drabbles, and one-shots.
1. Every once in a while

_**AN:** So this the place where I will post all of my Merlin short stories and drabbles. This first one is new, but all the other ones are already posted _on _my account. When I publish a new story, I will publish it on here as well as separately._

 _Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy!_

It wasn't often that Merlin thought of Ealdor.

In the beginning, it had been too painful. Feelings and memories wrapped up in the ache of what he had left behind. He had missed everything, His mother, his best friend Will, and the simple life they had led. One day bleeding into the next, cares forgotten and worries left behind.

It had all been so much simpler then.

In time, the pain fled and acceptance settled into its place. He was _meant_ to be in Camelot. He was _meant_ to save Arthur. It was better to go along with the show. Thinking of Ealdor would not take him home, it would only let pain worm it's way into his heart.

He was meant to serve the Pendragons now.

It took a long time, but eventually, his mind shifted the meaning of home. He was no longer sending letters _home_ to Ealdor, He was merely assuring his mother of his continued safety and happiness. Ealdor wasn't _home,_ Camelot was. This shift, while subtle and unnoticed by most, marked the beginning of Merlin's true growth.

It was his destiny to protect his friend.

There were moments, during the hard times, when Merlin felt the strong desire to leave Camelot, and take his mother far away. But he found those wishes stunted in their growth by the desire to _stay._ To see what would become of those he cared about, and lead them to a higher goal.

Fondness replaced Longing, hope replaced fear, and love replaced the pain of distance.

Merlin was happy. Merlin was _home_.

There was nowhere he'd rather be.


	2. No time for panic

There were three things Arthur told all his young knights. The first, Arthur had told Merlin years ago. _No man is worth your tears._ The second was also widely known, and Merlin had been lectured on it more than a few times. _In the heat of battle, there's no time for panic._ The last was arguably the most important, if not recent, and it stood as the only knight's rule of which Merlin was not aware. It had become a well-established rule among those of the roundtable, that when on a quest or in battle, the knights were to do three things: Ensure King Arthur's safety, Ensure Merlin's safety, and _then_ see to their own.

In that order.

Either Merlin never quite seemed to catch on to this, or, and the knights found this much more likely, he ignored it on purpose. As much as Arthur loved his best friend, the man could be stupidly stubborn when it came to disregarding his own well-being. And so, despite everyone's best efforts, it was always Merlin who went on dangerous quests, Merlin who rode at the front, Merlin who went into battles that were none of his business, and Merlin who decided the lives of those around him were more important than his own.

In light of this, it was no surprise that it was Merlin's fault that Arthur kept breaking the second rule.

 _Even if he wouldn't have it any other way._


	3. Smile

_A warm smile is the universal language of Kindness._

 _-William Arthur Ward_

Merlin was weird. It wasn't an insult or a compliment, it was simply a fact. Everyone who met Merlin knew. There was just something about him. For some, it was apparent in the fact that he always stopped to help those in need, regardless of his own personal problems. Or that he somehow memorized the names of all of his co-workers, the rather large number of people that Merlin called friends ever growing in size. It was his cheeky, insubordinate attitude whenever he was in Arthurs presence or his ridiculous choice of attire that allowed anyone to recognize him from a courtyard away. It was his strange sense of humor and the way he made all the children laugh whenever they saw him.

But most importantly, In Arthurs opinion at least, it was his smile.

Merlins smile was one of the most amazing things Arthur had ever seen. Just one flash of that smile and crying children were placated, stressed servants went merrily on their way, and grumpy nobles hurried along, hiding their heads in order to disguise their laughter. Truly, Merlin's smile worked miracles. It embodied that _something_ that Arthur had seen the day they met.

Arthur remembered clearly the surprise he had felt the first time he met Merlin. A cheeky, smiling peasant willing to stand up to a prince? It was unheard of. And as Arthur had walked away that first day, having just sent Merlin to the dungeons for insubordination, he couldn't seem to stop smiling at that goofy grin Merlin had given the guards as he'd been dragged away.

It was moments like those that made life worth living. Arthur thought decidedly, shaking his head slightly and laughing as he looked through his window to see Merlin bump into a kitchen maid, help her pick up her basket of apples, and then flash her one of those smiles as he hurried back on his way.

Leaving a blushing maid staring after him.


	4. Smile 2

_A smile is the most beautiful attire that anyone can wear._

 _-Unknown_

To say Gwaine was surprised, would be a major understatement.

He was astounded. And, if he were being honest with himself, just a little bit jealous.

The object of his surprise and - _slight_ \- jealousy was currently sitting on a stool, sipping from a jug of mead, completely oblivious to the aggravation he was causing his drinking companion. Gwaine sighed, taking a chug from his drink before woefully turning back to Merlin.

It just wasn't _fair._

Why was it that skinny, outspoken _Merlin_ , was somehow the most sought-after man in Camelot?

At first, Gwaine hadn't noticed, what with him being banished within a week of his arrival and all... But upon returning to Camelot, he had found that apparently, Merlin was one of the most discussed people in the entire city.

Gangly, clumsy _Mer_ lin.

Gwaine was about ready to rip his hair out.

Silently, he watched Merlin from his corner of the bar, trying to decipher what exactly it was about Merlin that seemed to attract so many women.

The worst part about the situation, as far as Gwaine could see, was that Merlin was the most oblivious person on the planet. Gwaine had been forced to sit by and watch as multiple women practically threw themselves at him, only to be smiled at kindly, all attempts at flirtation completely ignored. So now, Gwaine was on a recon mission. He had to find out what it was about Merlin that made him so popular with the ladies.

Five minutes later, Gwaine had absolutely _nothing._

Merlin wasn't acting any differently then he did around the knights. He still had that tall thin frame, that messy black hair, and those bright blue eyes. He still waved his hands about wildly when he talked, and kept almost falling off the bench anytime he got to a particularly dramatic part of the story he was telling to a now growing crowd of people. In other words, he was just being Merlin.

It didn't make any _sense._

After five more minutes of careful observation, Gwaine finally had a theory.

It was the smile.

Anytime Merlin gave even the barest glimpse of anything resembling his usual grin, the _entire_ group practically _swooned_.

Deciding that he was going to need more time to test his theory, Gwaine leaned back in his chair and watched in amusement as Merlin sat in the middle of an increasingly large number of girls.

This was going to be _fun._

A week later saw Gwaine with a confirmed theory, a significant headache, and an angry Merlin chasing him through the castle corridors whilst shouting profanities.

Arthur laughing in the background.


	5. Smile at the dark

**AN:** _Just a short drabble about Morgana's opinion of the poisoning in season two episode twelve, and the reason she was so ruthless when she came back._

Morgana could pinpoint the exact moment in time that her destiny had set in stone. The moment when she knew there was no going back, and that those she once called her friends, could never be on her side.

 _She could still see the room. Bright in the noonday sun, but unnaturally quiet. The deep silence heard throughout the castle the only indication that anything might be wrong. She could still remember Uther, passed out on the floor, as Arthur, went to get a wheelbarrow so they could make it out. Merlin looking dead tired, but alive and awake all the same, and her, sitting on the floor, wondering what she had gotten herself into._

 _She still remembered the bright sunlight streaming through the tall stain-glass windows at the edge of the throne room and the dust in the air. But most clearly, she still remembered the fear. The fear for Gius and Gwen, Asleep and helpless. The fear for Arthur, out facing the Knights of Medhir alone, for Merlin standing beside her, so full of life, but doomed to fall with the rest of the city all the same. And in the back of her mind, the fear of what this attack might mean. The nagging feeling that the sleeping spell might have had something to do with her and her meeting with Morgouse._

 _She remembered Merlin's stubbornness that day. His insistence that she drink the water. She remembered his arms holding her, his tear-streaked face twisted in agony as she struggled to breathe. She remembered the pain, not only of the poison racing through her blood, making her gasp for air, but also the pain of betrayal. The sinking feeling she felt in her heart when she realized that even the sweetest most innocent person she knew was so tainted by Uther that he would poison her for her magic. It was then that she knew she could never have a home in Camelot._

 _Because if_ Merlin _could find it in himself to kill her,_ anyone _could._

It was that moment that haunted her sleep for the next year as she stayed and learned magic with Morgouse. It was that moment that became the fuel for her hatred of those without magic, and in times of weakness, it was that moment that pushed her over the edge, giving her the strength and resolve she needed to carry on.

The moment she realized Merlin had betrayed her.

There were times she thought about how it might have turned out differently, about the person she could have have been. But those thoughts were few and far between. And when they did come, they were locked away with all the other things Morgana never let herself consider.

Because in the light of that horrible moment, she found that it was easier to smile at the dark.


	6. Of loyalty and picking up pieces

**AN** : _So this is just my take on what the conversation about Agravaine's betrayal might look like. I feel like that didn't really get enough attention in the show. It was mentioned, and then they all moved on to other stuff really quickly. This is just a one-shot featuring Arthur's feelings on the matter, and how Merlin helps him feel better about it. No slash, just friendship. Enjoy! Also, criticism is welcome. As long as it's instructive. :)_

It was almost funny, the number of times Arthur had been left behind.

In fact, he might have felt inclined to laugh if it wasn't so depressing. He consistently seemed to find himself in the position where the people he cared about the most felt the need to leave him. It happened in a lot of different ways. The most common method being betrayal. But in the end, the result was always the same.

They were gone, and he was left alone.

And now, sitting next to a fire in the forest, a fugitive from his own kingdom, Arthur was faced with the nagging doubt that it must be his fault.

He knew it was irrational to blame himself, and that they were all people who had made their own choices. But it seemed like the only plausible explanation for the sheer number of people he had accumulated over the years.

Whether it was his mother, who died giving birth to him, or his many childhood friends who were only ever by his side for the connections that came with knowing the prince. Morgana, who had been corrupted in her hatred of Uther, Agravaine, who sought for power by masquerading as a friend, or his own father, who had abandoned him when he needed him most.

Even Gwen had left him, her betrayal the night before their wedding still a sharp and painful reminder of the pattern his life seemed to follow.

The only person who had never left him was Merlin.

The cheeky, cheerful, insubordinate manservant somehow always managed to never leave. Sure, he would disappear for a few days, but Arthur always knew he would come back. He didn't really understand why he put so much faith in his servant, -even going so far as to think of him as a _friend-_ or when he had come to trust him so completely, but he had come to an understanding with himself in the years since he had met Merlin.

 _Never doubt the trust given to you by the strange young man, and never ever, let him know that he means so much to you._

The first rule was the most important. Because when Merlin believed in him, Arthur believed in himself. It was almost subconscious at this point. The trust and value he gave to Merlin's opinions. It seemed his manservant had unwavering faith that Arthur would always come out on top and sometimes, at the end of the day, that's the only thing that really kept Arthur going. The knowledge that someone could believe in him so genuinely and completely.

Even, - _especially_ \- when Arthur didn't believe in himself.

The second had more to do with his pride than anything else. Though there was a distinct element of Merlins safety involved in it too. If people knew that they could get to Arthur through Merlin, life would become a lot more complicated than it was. (Of course, Arthur couldn't know just how complicated Merlin's life was already, not to mention the fact that everyone was already well aware of the bond the best friends shared.)

And that lead him right back to the beginning. To the fact that Merlin hadn't _left_.

Arthur knew he wasn't a very good friend, and the situation looking as it did from his point of view, it was a wonder that Merlin was still there for him after five years. The young man's unwavering loyalty could honestly be a little bit unsettling, and Arthur was constantly left wondering after the puzzle that was Merlin. Now, sitting at the fire, left with a million more important things to consider, the future of his kingdom for one, Arthur was surprised at the admission of his feelings. Even if it was only to himself. Looking up from the swirling orange and yellow flames, his gaze settled on the man sitting across from him.

Merlin. Still there. Even when he had lost everything.

Sighing, and shifting slightly on the ground, Arthur brought his legs up and rested his chin on his knees. Wrapping his arms around himself in a decidedly unkingly posture. Closing his eyes for a moment, Arthur prepared himself to finally ask the question that had been bothering him since he found out about Agravaine's betrayal two days ago. Steeling himself, and forcing his eyes open, Arthur let his question slip out before he could change his mind.

"How long have you known about Agravaine?"

It was said quietly, and with feigned indifference, but Arthur knew his desperation was leaking out at the seems, the unspoken question hanging in the air between them like a thick blanket. _How long have I been fooling myself into not seeing whats right in front of me?_

Merlin sat for a few moments, his face betraying nothing, before whispering so quietly that Arthur almost didn't hear.

"Since the beginning."

 _Since the beginning._ Agravaine was _always_ corrupt, and Arthur had been playing a fool for the last two years. Desperately, he pressed his palms into his eyes, trying to dispel the thought. Somehow still shocked, but not surprised. Agravaine, that _viper_ , had been tainting his court for _two years_ and he hadn't even noticed.

And Merlin had?

"How did you know?" Were the next words that came, unbidden, from his mouth. "How did you find out he was a traitor?"

"I didn't really _know_ ," Was Merlin's soft reply."Not for a while at least. At first, it was just this _feeling_ , and eventually, I noticed a lot of little things that all added together. I guess I didn't like him from the beginning, so I was more careful about him."

Arthur almost rolled his eyes, because of _course,_ Merlin would base his dislike and mistrust of Agravaine on a _feeling_. It was such a very _Mer_ lin thing to do.

The lighthearted thoughts vanished just as quickly as they came, and Arthur was left with a deep sense of hopelessness. How was he supposed to run a kingdom, to be responsible for thousands of people, if he couldn't even tell his own uncle was evil. Merlin had _tried to tell him_ Agravaine was no good, but Arthur wouldn't listen. And now his subjects were suffering for it.

"Don't."

The sharp sound of Merlin's voice broke through Arthurs thoughts, and he gave his manservant's determined face a questioning glance.

"I know your beating yourself up about Agravaine, and I'm telling you to stop." Was Merlin's curt reply. "You already carry enough guilt around, and there's no reason to pile on more. Whats done is done, no use regretting it, and anyone in your position would have acted the same way. He was the only family you had left. Besides, Agravaine fooled everyone. He was a good liar. You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that happens to you because it's _not your fault._ "

Merlin's somewhat angry tirade fell on unbelieving ears. Hunching his shoulders, arms still curled into himself, Arthur finally met Merlin's gaze head-on for the first time since they had started the conversation. Breathing deeply, he allowed his guilt, anger, and pain to show on his face as he voiced his biggest fear.

"But what if it _is_ my fault?"

To his surprise, Merlin just sighed, rubbing his face before leaning back on his elbows and looking Arthur in the eye again.

"If you really believe that," he said slowly as if talking to a child. "Than your a bigger Dollophead then I thought you were."

The answer, so honest and unexpected, made Arthur laugh. And suddenly, sitting around the campfire, he found he didn't mind Agravaines betrayal all that much anymore. Because he had his best friend with him.

And Merlin was never going to leave him behind.


	7. Motivation

Merlin always told himself that sacrifice was necessary.

It had become his mantra really. Something to tell himself when his faith was shaking and he no longer felt like going on.

Waiting and waiting and _waiting_. Two thousand years was a long time to live after all.

In some ways, it had been easier in the beginning. His still grieving mind searching endlessly for some solution, some reprieve from the pain. After all, why have magic if it couldn't bring back Arthur? What was Merlin's purpose if his friend, brother, _other half_ was gone? So he repeated his mantra and sacrificed his time, his effort, his whole being into getting Arthur back.

It's almost funny how objective the word sacrifice really is.

As time wore on, and hope faded, Merlin set himself to a new task: The observation of the world. He would be ready when Arthur came again. He sacrificed his humanity. Watching as time moved on, and people continued their senseless violence and arrogance. Helping where he could, but ultimately restrained by his magic. Forced to watch and never take action. waiting, Waiting, _Waiting_. For Arthur to come.

Except Arthur never did come. And the meaning of sacrifice changed again and again. Each price asked of him a steeper one to pay.

In the end, sacrifice meant himself.


	8. Nightmares during the day

It was almost funny. How a dream could turn into a nightmare.

Merlin had always looked at his life as a journey. All actions leading to a destination he had always been able to see. He let his hope for the future lead him through his decisions, the actions he took in large part decided by his desire to bring about his vision for the future.

And yet, he found himself stuck in a reality he couldn't understand.

He had done everything he could. Actions and decisions made in an attempt to save his friends and family.

Once his life had been something of an adventure, a secret to hide, someone to protect, and friends to guide him along the way. It held color and laughter, and he had never felt so complete.

He sometimes wondered where those simple times went.

It was, he thought, the price he paid for those he loved. His self-proclaimed mission.

To suffer so they wouldn't have to.


End file.
